Without Hope
by FaitoKuro
Summary: Kantarou's thoughts during Haruka's absence. SPOILERS for the last few episodes. Not for the end though :D Haruka x Kantarou


**Hello! This is my second fic! I hope that you don't find it too boring… I would really appreciate to read any comments and constructive criticism that you have. I just started writing and would love to improve!**

**Thank you for reading! **

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It had been so long. So long since he'd last seen Haruka. So long since he last felt any hope.

The nights were now more unforgiving than ever as Kantarou lay sprawled out by the edge of the lake. He was too cold to move, but the cold was not brought on by the mild temperature. It was brought on by the, now, ever present ache in his heart.

Kantarou felt paralyzed. He kept replaying that heart wrenching moment when Haruka had left him standing there, covered by the icy snow on that spiteful, winter night. He remembered being too weak, too shocked to raise his voice to more than a pleading whisper. He doubted Haruka had even been able to hear him.

Kantarou had lost track of the time that Haruka had been gone. At first he had been naïve enough to almost believe that Haruka would come back to him, but as the weeks crawled by and then became even more taxing months, Kantarou could no longer entertain that optimism. He had spent countless mournful nights trying to drown his sorrows with strong alcohols, wandering aimlessly in the forest wondering if he would be able to catch sight of Haruka, or just crumpled up, motionless by the lake where he had so often dreamed of meeting Haruka again.

He remembered those times so long ago, when he would talk and dream about meeting Haruka, how having Haruka with him would make him stronger. Now he wondered how he had ever gotten this weak. Being this weak must have been what had driven Haruka away. If only he had been able to help Haruka, to keep Haruka with him, but Haruka had left and Kantarou didn't know if he would ever come back.

Kantarou tried not to think about the future though, because a future without Haruka didn't really seem like a future at all.

…..

It was a long time before Kantarou was able to get himself back to the house, far from a 'home' without Haruka being there. He wandered in at around five in the morning. Not wanting to go to sleep, he pulled out some more sake. Not even bothering to pour it into a glass, he took long, needy gulps from the bottle. It didn't help to improve his mood, but it did dull some of the ache he felt.

The house seemed so empty with Haruka gone, filled only by the ghostly memories of happier times. He hadn't seen Yuuko in days. He would only stay in the house for a few hours at a time and then be off again to try and distract himself or to seek solitude.

She used to leave him supper for him to come back and find, but she had stopped doing even that after she realized that he would never eat any of it. It seemed that the only source of food that he had to sustain him was alcohol. He couldn't even remember the taste of anything else. Except he could poignantly remember the taste of the steam buns Haruka used to love; the tea that they would always drink together; the strong taste of the curry that they would share… Kantarou took four more swigs of sake, the harsh taste of it washing over him.

Kantarou found his way up to Haruka's room; slowly sliding open the door and stepping in. He saw one of Haruka's soft, black feathers resting on one of the tables. It made Kantarou remember the time when he had first met Haruka. After he had waited and fantasized for so long he had finally found him. He remembered the hundreds of feathers around them, Haruka's passionate voice, his own feelings of euphoria and relief.

Kantarou slowly let himself slide down against the nearest wall and placidly close his eyes, knowing that no sleep would come for him that night.

………

A few weeks later Kantarou was outside of Suzu's mansion, preparing himself for the work that he knew had to be done, when he felt it. It was the most wonderful, encompassing sensation he had felt in a long time. It was Haruka.

Without further thought, Kantarou raced up through the house, dashing through the hallways and burst through the door where the feeling was the strongest.

"Haruka!"

He wasn't there.

Kantarou could strongly feel the grief course through his body. He knew that he could not let this continue; he had to find Haruka. Now.

He promptly retraced his way through the house and darted out of the front door, running down the path, and into the forest, and up the great steps.

Breathing in coarse gasps as he reached the top, he immediately snapped to full attention, taking in what was now before his eyes.

After all of his months of waiting, wishing, longing, aching, he now had found what he had been searching for. Haruka was there, right before his eyes. He finally allowed himself to have hope again, even though the feeling was a bit rusty from lack of use.

Kantarou still didn't dare to move. He just stayed there, staring, a smile instantaneously spreading over his face, the first smile in a long time. Haruka seemed to be just as content to hold the gaze as he did.

Finally, finally, in the chill of the fresh spring morning, Kantarou felt warm again.

"Haruka."


End file.
